All I wanted was you
by AngryChair
Summary: For a long time, Mako concealed his romantic feelings for Tahno. Before Mako could stomach the courage to tell Tahno of his feelings, any hope of being with Tahno was shattered, and Mako was left distraught and self-hateful. Rating likely to change.
1. All I wanted

AN: *sigh* This is my first fanfic that reflects actual events in my life... yeah. Just for the record, the person I like is nothing like Tahno, and I know nothing about their relationship... I just feel really shitty so I coughed up some OTP sadness to cope. Enjoy, I guess.

Mako was someone who endured strong emotions, and had a habit of concealing them. At that moment, Mako felt numb, empty, and useless.

He'd been spending time with Tahno, former captain of the wolf-bats, in the past few months. He had his flaws and quirks, sure, but there was something about Tahno that drew Mako in. He had his way of weaving through people's attitudes, almost putting up with too much. Mako admired this, among almost everything about Tahno.

He'd become secretly obsessed with Tahno, and tried to find time that was just for the two of them despite his busy work schedule. Every time they were together, Mako felt that Tahno read him like a book, understood him better than anyone else did.

Tahno was pretty much all Mako could ask for, but Mako never built up the courage to tell him this. He worried it would ruin their friendship if he opened up about his true feelings. He decided to wait for the 'right time' to tell him, but before he figured out what the right time was, Tahno had found another man- Iroh.

Iroh had come to the city to help defeat Amon, but once that was done for, he decided to stay in Republic City for a little while. Tahno met him in a small tea shop in downtown Republic City. As far as Mako knew, Tahno brought Iroh to his apartment, and the rest was history.

Mako found this out one evening, when Iroh was invited to eat dinner at Air Temple island, and of course, he brought Tahno along. They held hands on the way up the hill, and goofed off and made it obvious that they were a couple during dinner. Mako couldn't take it, though he knew he'd brought it upon himself. He stood up and ran to his room midway through dinner without asking.

He flung himself at his bed and let tears soak his pillow. His brain was a storm containing every kind of unpleasant weather. He was angry at himself for keeping the truth from Tahno, he was angry at Iroh for stealing Tahno away, he was angry that Tahno wasn't able to tell- seriously, Tahno understood Mako better than Mako understood himself. How did Tahno fail to notice what Mako wanted him to know most?

A few hours passed, and Mako didn't feel any better. He also got a visitor.

"Hey, Mako," Bolin whispered, pushing the door to his room open a crack. "you alright?"

"What do you think?" Mako grumbled, laying on his side, facing the wall. Bolin knew how Mako felt about Tahno, and he knew how it felt to get his heart shattered in the same way.

"Welp," Bolin began, "I'm here for anything you need... I mean, I can't do _anything_, but-"

"Thanks, bro. I just need to be alone for a bit."

"Okay." Bolin replied, shutting the door.

Mako knew what he needed. It wasn't anything Bolin could provide, it wasn't anything anyone could provide. Mako stood, went to his mirror, and tried to figure out what made Iroh so much better than him. Obviously, Iroh had a lot more money. Mako was among the poorest, and Iroh was a direct descendant of the Fire lord, not to mention a powerful general. He could probably get Tahno all that he wanted. Tahno was probably proud that he'd landed someone out of even his league, whereas he'd probably be humiliated to be with a street boy like Mako.

Mako lay back down on his bed, balling up his shirt fabric around his heart. The chances of him and Tahno being together the way he wanted weren't scarce- they were just plain gone. Tahno had Iroh, so what was Mako good for? Slowly rotting away? Most likely, he decided.

He tried to get it out of his mind- take a shower, listen to the radio, read a book, sleep it off. Nothing worked. Mako's brain tortured him by reminding him that if he really loved Tahno, he'd be happy for him, or that he wasn't even good enough for Tahno. He would've made a lousy boyfriend- for crying out loud, he was still a virgin. All he felt like than was a piss poor, inexperienced, pessimistic, useless, pathetic, obnoxious inconvenience. He almost wished he'd never been born. He lay awake in bed late into the night until the soft sound of his sobs drowned out the painful thoughts.


	2. Postcard

Author's note: Look what I decided to continue. Well I don't know, I need more Tahko angst this seems to satisfy my needs.

As if he didn't find it painful enough that Tahno was spending all his time and love on Iroh, Mako found out that everything was about to get worse. Iroh was returning to the Fire Nation... and bringing Tahno with him. When Mako found this out, he wanted to tear his heart out and throw it at Iroh's face. Then, calming down a bit, he realized that he knew Iroh was a decent person, and had no idea what he was doing to Mako. Hell, he wasn't doing anything but being a better boyfriend than Mako could ever dream to be. Maybe it'd better to just rip his heart out, get it wrapped in the most experience gift wrap ever, and have it delivered to Tahno by a Satomobile made entirely of platinum, even the tires. Hey, maybe then Tahno would realize how rich Mako... wasn't.

The one silver lining to Tahno's departure was that Tahno had invited Mako to visit his apartment one last time while he packed. Mako did mean _something_ to him- that was enough to make him force himself out of bed before Bolin got up to pester him out. Getting up didn't exactly seem worth it to Mako in recent times- neither did shaving, or brushing his teeth, or showering, or eating... of course, of all the irresponsibility the other three members of team Avatar (who all knew of Mako's situation by now) would temporarily put up with, they made him eat as often as he could stand.

He knew he was a mess. Everyone could tell. But on the day Tahno invited him over, he'd decided to freshen up a bit, getting rid of his jagged stubble and body odor, and spent five minutes each on his teeth and his hair. He couldn't let Tahno see him as distraught as he'd been. He emerged from his room at Air Temple island that day, the first day in months where he did more than lounge around in his underwear and think about how miserable he was (or on worse days, what that bastard Iroh would get for stealing the man that was supposed to be his man).

Asami gave Mako a ride to Tahno's apartment, and even though he had become clean and composed, she wasn't sure that Mako, now merely a close friend of hers, was in any condition to be on his own accounts. At the same time, he needed to at least see his friend one last time for weeks, maybe months, maybe years. "Hey," she said, grabbing his wrist as he left the car, "I don't want the next many months to look like the last few. After this, you should continue to take care of yourself, keep living even if you can't have what you want most right now."

"You say that as if it's easy."

"It's not easy, but it's completely possible, and I'm living proof." she told him before driving away. Mako knew what she meant, but he couldn't digest any more guilt, any more any negative feelings. He hoped this visit with Tahno would cure some of these emotions, at least uncomfortably purge some out.

He stood outside Tahno's door, remembering dreams he'd had of this door, of his door, of what could go on between he and Tahno beyond their doors..._ no, stop_, he ordered himself. He could find a damn prostitute if he wanted sex. But he didn't just want that- he wanted love. Tahno's love. At that point, he'd say he'd give anything for Tahno's love, but because he'd made the mistake of waiting too long, he knew it was something he could never have. Unless Tahno and Iroh broke up? That wouldn't happen. Iroh was perfect, and was definitely the type who remained faithful. Mako was visiting a friend, he decided, knowing not even too deep down that he wasn't okay with this.

_Knock knock, _no turning back now.

"Hey hotshot," Tahno greeted as he escorted Mako in, "take a seat, my friend." Friend, yes. Good friend, almost definitely. Close friend, probably. Best friend, not unlikely. Boyfriend, impossible. The word friend made Mako tense. "Anything I can get you? Tea?"

Yeah, there were plenty of things Mako could think of- but Tahno couldn't get them, because he'd dumped them all on Iroh. Dedication. Compassion. Love. "I'll just have a glass of water, thanks." He sat at the couch, and Tahno sat next to him, placing the glass in front of him.

"You know, my life's really been turning around lately."

"You don't say..." Mako's life had turned downward and plunged into the ground.

"Can't believe it wasn't even half a year ago I was a pro-bending legend... 'course, that was all built on dishonesty. If one things for sure, dishonesty always comes to bite you in the ass."

"Yeah, it really does."

"Though, if karma means anything, I guess I've been a pretty good boy lately. Check it out," he said, lifting his right hand, where a ring now sat upon his fourth finger. No. "Do you know what this is?" _Proof that all hope is lost, _Mako didn't dare say.

"It's..." Mako's voice caught in his throat, he had to force himself to manage the words, "It's a, uh, a ring, right?"

"Not just any ring," Tahno began, chuckling a bit as he examined the sleek silver band, "Iroh and I are engaged."

"Oh. Congratulations." Mako muttered, part of him hoping his disappointment was subtle, while another part of him got on it's knees and begged it to be obvious.

It wasn't subtle, but Tahno was too caught up in his excitement to notice. "You know, I don't want to make our friendship seem invaluable with the whole, y'know, 'Iroh thing'... because without you, I wouldn't have gotten where I am."

"Oh, I... well, I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah..." Tahno took a sip of his tea, then set it down on the coffee table. "Remember the first time, after Amon took off... Korra reintroduced us, said we'd get along real well."

"Yeah, I remember that..." Mako said, almost smiling. Almost. Not quite.

"We went to that little Cafe downtown, I even remember what you ordered. Spiced fish salad. I think I got some kind of soup... anyway, that's besides the point. I remember, I was so confused, so fucked up, still affected by the aftermath of having my bending taken...I didn't even know who I was. You told me, y-you fucking told me," Tahno paused, inhaling a few tears, followed by a quick chuckle, "Sorry, getting a bit choked up here."

"That makes two of us, eheh." Mako joked, miserably knowing his potential tears were sourced elsewhere.

"So, you told me that as much as my bending was a really important part of me, I didn't have to let it define me. I'm someone beyond that, and I should use that as an opportunity to find who I am aside from a waterbender... look what's happened since then. I'm on my way to my wedding to the Prince of the Fire Nation in a few months, and also," he reclined into his seat, raising his eyebrows slightly at Mako, who sat still, holding in a tangled mess of confusion and frustration, "I want you to be my best man."

Mako's eyes widened- it would be the polite thing to just agree to this, to just let Tahno be happy, but... he couldn't. "No."

"Wh... why not? I mean, I don't have any backups, I tried to think of some but... really, why can't you?"

"Because I..." he winced, trying to think of a good lie, "I can't afford to get to the Fire Nation, and I don't have anything appropriate to wear nor could I afford it."

"We'll provide all that."

"I still can't be best man. I can't even go."

"Seriously? What sort of conflict would be more important? Do you have some bizarre reverse fetish for weddings or something?"

"No, of course not, it's just... I can't tell you. I just can't go."

"Remember what I said about dishonesty. It'll bite you in-"

Before Tahno could finish, Mako had him locked into a deep, passionate kiss. Tahno's eyes widened, and for a split second, it felt so right... then he got a grasp of himself, pushing Mako back to where he sat. "What the fuck, Mako?" he shouted.

"I'm sorry, Tahno, alright? I just... can't help how I feel."

"How you feel... Mako, what the _fuck_ is going on?"

Mako bit his lip, holding back tears. "I've been going batshit _insane_ since you and Iroh hooked up... you know me, you know me so damn well, but you never saw the one thing I wanted you to know the most..." He inhaled heavily, preparing himself to say what should've been said months earlier. "I love you, Tahno. I love you so much that I have been losing my mind since I realized I couldn't have you... I shouldn't have kept it in, and now I should just let you go, let you be happy, I had my chance and I let it slip through my fingers, but... I keep seeing you in my dreams, and all I think about is you. On the rare occasion that I get out of bed, I'll flop onto the couch, pick up the newspaper or turn on the radio, try to get it out of my mind... I can't. It's fucked up, I know... but since you came into my life, I couldn't stop thinking there was more to it, more for us to share than friendship... now I'm sure even that's all gone, too."

"M... Mako, I'm sorry, it's just... I didn't know, if I'd known, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near the guy, so, I mean... we can still be friends, I guess?"

"That's not enough for me... it's not enough and you know it."

Tahno shrugged. "I'd love to help you but- I've got Iroh. I've got to move to the Fire Nation with him... be by his side... 'until death do us apart', as they say... my whole life."

"Yep," Mako sighed, "You've got the Fire Prince, maybe I'll find some waterbender who's... I dunno, somehow related to Princess Yue, the moon spirit, maybe her parents had another kid later on... you know her story, right?"

"Yeah, my Dad used to tell it to me when I was a kid..."

"Mm," Mako replied, "Do you talk about this kind of stuff with Iroh? Your past, I mean, and other stuff like that. Stuff that isn't just talk."

"Eh, sort of... between us, it's mostly kissing, and touching, and he'll ask if he can do stuff for me, get stuff for me..." he trailed off. "It's nice."

"But is it... love?"

Tahno paused for a second, bit his lip, stumped. Finally, "Yeah, I'd say so."

"Oh..."

"Come on, hotshot. I'll still be around some of the time..."

"And you'll still have Iroh."

"Yep, I will..."

"I think I've done my part." Mako stood, and Tahno showed him to the door. "Well... I guess I'll see you... sometimes, when you're here, or if I ever get around to the Fire Nation... I'm guessing at some point I'll go there."

"Who knows what's in the future?" Mako embraced him tightly, burying his face in the crook of Tahno's neck. Tahno returned the gesture, doing so much as running his fingers through Mako's hair. "But I know I'll be here again, I promise."

"I know, it's just..."

"Sh, it's okay... sh..." Once Tahno realized Mako wasn't in any shaped to be easily calmed down, he let go and pat him on the shoulder. "You've got a lot of potential, hotshot... don't let this one little fuck-up take that away. And you know, if Iroh didn't show up, well... I don't know. Bottom line, don't let this ruin you. I couldn't live with you becoming so much less than you're capable of."

"Thanks, Tahno. I'll be fine. I promise." Hesitantly, Mako turned and headed off, his mind now a little more settled- he couldn't fail. He'd hit rock bottom, and he had to get back up... it would make Tahno happy, and that's all he could really try for.

Tahno, on the other hand, had caught the emotions and confusion like a virus. He smashed his fist against the door, forehead pressed down right next to it. "Fuck..." he wheezed, "How did I not... fuck..." He inhaled, exhaled, leaned back, tried to compose himself, accept the truth. "Until death. Do. Us... no. This is- ugh... shit, fuck, no!" He shouted, wobbling to his bedroom and collapsing face down on his bed. "Mako..." he mumbled, "Hotshot... why..."


End file.
